Mostly stuff that I've found on the web or had emailed to me. Apologies in advance for any copyright breaches - let me know.
Q. What did the inflatable headmistress of the inflatable school say to the inflatable schoolboy?
A. "You've let me down, you've let the school down, and you've let yourself down."
- heard on The News Quiz, Radio 4, 2002
Two Russians were out at work in the fields. One was digging holes, which the other would then fill in again. A woman, watching this, was puzzled, and went over to ask them what they were doing. "Well usually there are three of us, but Ivan is off work today. He brings the trees."
- heard on Quote Unquote, Radio 4, 2003-10-28 18:00
A variation of the above joke using Blondes instead is featured on Smiv's jokes page (excellent), along with this gem:
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...
A couple of gems from Jim Fisher's humour page:
Two men walked into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have seen it.
- Katherine Angus, age 8, TorontoFrom a Radio conversation released by the American Navy:
1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North.
2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.
2: No, I say again, you divert your course.
1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.
2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
And a great one from Vitae Drummer Jed:
A sinner died and descended to Hell. He was given the choice from three rooms in which to spend his eternity of suffering. He looked in the first and saw people having sharp spikes thrust up their behinds. "Yikes!", he winced, "Not in there!" In the second room were people being continually decapitated with rusty axes, over and over again. "Oh no, please not that!" So he looked in the third room, and saw people standing up to their necks in a pool of excrement, but sipping cups of tea calmly. "OK, this doesn't look too bad! I'll choose this one, please." As he is pushed in, a demon enters and shouts: "Right you 'orrible lot! Teabreak's over now, back on yer 'eads!"
The above all seem to have been lifted from an older (now dead) web page on another site and the links not updated. Sadly it only goes up to letter C, so no Drummer jokes. Digging around on the website, I find more gems in JC's Humor Collection - quite a few (!) - so many that even I don't have time to give you a full Quality Control report, but do have fun. Some were lame, but these were true:
This last one was quoted as a good reason for 64 Studio:
Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
[And some others from various emails...]
And finally, not just anagrams, but palindromes; beginning with some advice for disgruntled waiters and dark grunge bands from The Palindromist Magazine:
The delectably lovely Miss Coleshill
Once chanced to alight on a moleshill;
The inquisitive mole
Stuck his nose up her **** -
Miss Coleshill's alright but the mole's ill.
- Clement Freud on
Just A
Minute, Radio 4, 2003-03-03 18:15 / 2003-03-09 12:15
**** (Here, Clement was interrupted by Wendy Richards
in the name of common decency. He added afterwards
"Wendy told me that!" :-)
There once was a very fat rabbit
Which had an unrabbit-like habit:
If it smelt melted cheese,
Just a whiff on the breeze,
It would jettison lettuce and grab it!
And here are a couple of my own limericks for all you synthesists out there...
These were passed on from Tessa who remembers her mother Doff McKendrick reciting them as she recalled them from her teens:
There was a young lady of Malta
Who strangled her aunt with a halter.
She said, "I won't bury her,
She'll do for my Terrier.
She'll keep for a month if I salt her."There was a young lady of Tottenham
Whose manners she'd really forgotten 'em.
At tea at the Vicar's,
She took off her knickers
Because she was feeling too hot in 'em.There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought all babies came from God,
But 'twas not The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage.
Said the Borough Surveyor:
"Of course you must pay her -
You've altered the line of her frontage!"There was a young lady of Slough
Who said that she didn't know how.
An Eton boy caught her,
And jolly soon taught her;
She's wheeling a pram about now.There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose vagina was perfectly huge.
Said her lover with sighs
As he parted her thighs:
"Apres moi, la deluge!"A passenger dining at Crewe
Once found a large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter: "Don't shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too."There was a young man of Peru
Who found he had nothing to do,
So he sat on the stairs
And counted his hairs,
And found he had seventy-two.There once was an old man called Ghandhi
Who felt most remarkably randy.
In love he was lacking
And needing a facking
With a goat, or anything handy.
For the last one we had to fill in the missing third and fourth lines - any better suggestions are welcome.
This last one is from Tim:
There once was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In just half an hour,
His balls were on fire
And his arsehole was covered in weeds.
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slghtly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
This is a variation on a 70-year old tale.
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he had died from a shotgun wound to the head. The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-storey building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his fall was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and, because of this, Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands."
The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus. "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B." When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. Tha is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the couple's son for the death of Ronald Opus.
There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that Ronald Opus had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-storey building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth storey window." The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Timing, it's all in the timing.
This tale has since been deconstructed and explained.
Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. "Hello," I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now, because I've shot them."
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said you'd shot them."
To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available."
- TONY GLADSTONE
Yes, the one we've all been waiting for - the 2002 Darwin Awards. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honour given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
THE CANDIDATES
- In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
- In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
- Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8 foot deep hole he dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom on Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
- In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
- According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet, Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet, Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
- Sylvester Briddell, JR., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
- In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
- In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
- In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
- Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
THE RUNNER UP - FROM TACOMA, WA.
Jerome Nottage had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Nottage, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Nottage's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Nottage, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Nottage's foot was never located.
AND FINALLY, THE WINNER - FROM PADERBORN, GERMANY
Overzealous zoo keeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective, Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
See also this cracking Darwin Award winner for 1996 in words and pictures ;-)
Hang on though: this guy surely beats the 2004 winner: "Is that a banned firearm in your pocket... or are you just pleased to see me?"
This has got to be one of funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have received a promotion, not have gotten fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination Without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power . . . A power failure? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."
O O L \_/
See also The Onion on Politics.
Note: The Onion - America's Finest News SourceTM - has a copyright policy which dictates that the killer headlines of their stories are not to be included in links, so I've paraphrased my pick of the crop. They've also recently moved these old gems into their subscriber-only archive, so I've had to use The Wayback Machine to time-travel back to the original articles. Just fire them up, they are all delicious, but be sure to stop your browser from loading the page once you can see the pictures, because for some reason they get blanked out once the page has finished loading. This may be difficult if you are using Broadband - well, I suppose dial-up does still have some advantages ;-)
© copyright Malcolm Smith 2002-02-16 - last updated 2011-02-07 - links verified 2005-03-26
